it is kind of awful and pathetic how much i want to dress up as a guy sometimes. just. bind my chest and wear guys’ clothes. sometimes i think that i want to be a dude. like. with a penis.
idk i’ve had gender dysphoria all my life (if you can really call it that) but - i know this for sure - when i was younger, i didn’t identify as guy or girl. i used to say, “i have two sides. the girl part of me is analytical and the guy part of me is romantic.” and i mean it! i didn’t mean “i’m a girl who acts like a guy sometimes.” i meant “i look like a girl and sometimes i act like a girl but sometimes i don’t feel like a girl.” i said to a friend once, “the core part of me is male. the poet.” and it was. true for the most part - and then, i don’t know, i got into high school and had to ”redefine” myself and decided that i identified very strongly as female, even though i don’t.
i’m just really tired of looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that i look wrong no matter how i look. when i wear a dress all i can see are my broad shoulders, my thick legs. when i wear a shirt and jeans all i can see are my breasts, my waist, my curves. i hate looking like this. sometimes i think i would bind my breasts if i could, but then sometimes i love them and i love that i’m female. sometimes i wish my waist didn’t pull inwards but sometimes i love that about myself so much that i’ll wear a belt the entire day just to emphasize it.
i know that i’ll probably identify as female/use she&her pronouns for the rest of my life, but i do wish my gender identity was more solid than it is now. i hate looking at a suit and wishing that my chest was flat so that i could wear it. i hate feeling ugly in a dress. i don’t get why it was all so much easier when i was younger. back then i knew what i was like. now i’ve been introduced to so many things that are so new and different that i can’t tell what’s me anymore. i really wish being “me” was that easy again.